Avoid These Products Like the Plague! And Avoid the Plague, Too!

As a public service, Bardfilm and Shakespeare Geek want to warn you about the following Shakespeare products, each one of which has proven in some way unsatisfactory. Note: Thanks to Pursued By A Bear, whose offhand remark inspired this list.

Shakespearean Products to Avoid

Claudius Brand Ear Warmers

Earl of Gloucester Eye Patch Set.

King Lear Retirement Village: Bring Your Own Knights!

Hamlet™ Brand Anti-Depressants.

Friar Lawrence's Guaranteed Sleeping Tablet / Alarm Clock Gift Set—You'll Never Oversleep Again!

Lavinia's Medical Supply Tongue Depressors.

Antigonus-Brand Teddy Bears—Fun for the Whole Family!

Lady Macduff's No-Worry Child Care.

Cleopatra's "Asps of Steel" Workout Video.

Alonso's Three-Hour Cruises, serving Naples, Tunis, and an unknown, airy-spirit-inhabited island.

Matching "Romeo & Juliet" T-Shirts that say "Will you still love me when I'm old and gray and fourteen?"

Funeral Baked Meats Wedding Catering.

The Juliet GPS: Wherefore art thou? [Yes, we know what "wherefore" means: That error is why this product is being recalled!]

Romeo's Window Repair: What through yonder window broke?

Shylock's Ultra-Accurate Kitchen Scales: Never take more or less than a just pound!

Prospero's Freudian Analysis: You are such stuff as dreams are made on.

Hamlet's Dog-Walking Services (Specialty: Taking Care of Great Danes).

Crimson-Colored Macbath Salts—They will your bathtub waters incarnadine!

Drunk and Seen the Spider Pub and Insectarium.

When Shall We Three Meet Again Travel Agency.

Not to the Marriage of True Minds Divorce Attorneys.

Some are Born Great Midwives and Doulas.

Some Achieve Greatness SAT Tutoring Services.

Some Have Greatness Thrust Upon Them Pilates Lessons.

Sharper than a Serpent's Tooth Dentistry.

More Relative Grounds Coffee Shop and Café.

Give us your Hands if We be Friends Manicurists.

“Is this a Dagger?” Optometrists, Ltd.

Every Third Thought Mortuary Planning Services.

The Princes in the Tower Boarding School: Leave your kids with us and never worry about them again.

Malvolio Brand Yellow, Cross-Gartered Stockings. [A bad idea in any age.]

My Mistress' Eyeliner: Make Your Eyes Something Like the Sun:

Lady Macbeth's Stain Remover.

Richard III's Snow Removal Services: Where's the Winter of your Discontent Now?

Petruchio's Marriage Counseling Services.

Leontes' Home Paternity Test.

Othello's Energy-Efficient Auto-Off Nightlights: Put out the light, and then put out the light!

Bobblehead Caliban.

Our thanks for this guest post to kj, the author of Bardfilm. Bardfilm is a blog that comments on films, plays, and other matters related to Shakespeare.