Shakespeare Swifties #ShakespeareSwifties

Do people still remember "swifties"?  Taking its name from the old Tom Swift series of adventure books, a swiftie has Tom making a statement that's described by the adverb that comes along for the ride, making for an awful (or, depending on where you sit, genius) pun.

Some examples?

"I'm just over here putting an edge on my new knife," Tom said sharply. 

"Can you find the light switch? I can't see a thing," Tom said darkly.

Get the idea? Part of the fun is seeing how deep you can bury the pun, so a bunch of these you're likely going to have to work at.

Both Bardfilm and Shakespeare Geek were surprised to realize that they'd never done this one.  There was some argument, some hair pulling, some kicking and some scratching, but the finished product was well worth it.  Without further ado, we give you ...

Shakespeare Swifties

• "I miss Banquo," Macbeth said hauntedly.
• "I know where Juliet is," said Paris cryptically.
• "Now what am I going to do with all these flowers Ophelia gave me?" thought Gertrude ruefully.
• "This production of Winter's Tale is never going to end," Tom said unbearably.
• "Don't worry, Bottom, I can change you back," said Oberon reassuringly.
• "God sends a curst cow short horns; but to a cow too curst he sends none," said Beatrice utterly.
• "I wish I could kill King Edward, but I can't," said Richard, abashedly.
• "What, you need another signature on my will?" asked Shakespeare resignedly.
• "I am so angry that you wrecked that ship with all those people on it!" said Miranda tempestuously.
• "I am thy father's ghost," said the figure transparently.
• "What's coming toward the castle?" asked Macbeth woodenly.
• "Ten more sonnets will ruin it, this is the perfect amount of sonnets!" said Shakespeare grossly.
• "Don't worry, Miranda--none of the ships were lost at sea," said Prospero recklessly.
• "Wait—weren't there two people attending Lady Macbeth?" asked Macbeth paradoxically.
• "When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married," Benedick said singly.
• "The problem with Bottom the Weaver is deep in his subconscious," said the literary critic acidly.
• "I think I'll put King Edward on my list of people who stand in my way to the throne," said Richard markedly.
• "Poor Tom's a-cold," said Tom chilly.
• "My name is Cesario," Viola said disguisedly.
• "I don't think I have enough melancholy bile," said Hamlet humourlessly.
• "Let's have a brief, silent part before the play-within-the-play," said Hamlet dumbly.
• "Quick, Jack, hide in the laundry!" said Mistress Ford tidily.
• "Have another beer," said Titania assailingly.
• "I'm invisible through most of the play, and I'm ok with it!" said Ariel spritely.
• "I've finally been convinced that the Earl of Oxford wrote the works ascribed to Shakespeare" said Tom unwillingly.
• "I get very upset when I see you look at other men," Othello said smotheringly.
• "Isn't it a great day to pick flowers down by the river?" said Ophelia buoyantly.
• (Or, if you prefer...)  "What do you mean my Uncle Ganymede is really my Aunt Rosalind?" asked Tom buoyantly.
• "Yes, I suppose Lavinia is attractive," Tom said off-handedly.

As with all of our lists, if you cleft this one in twain and threw away the worser half you'd be left with Bardfilm's amazing and invaluable contributions to the cause.  Seriously, people, if you're not following his blog and his twitter you're missing out on, like, 51% of the good stuff.